Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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