So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
