if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
