I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
