After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
