Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
