oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
