meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
