He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize