ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
