so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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