Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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