i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize