I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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