her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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