is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize