Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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