I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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