Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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