Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think your dad took our porno
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
