If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
