I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
