Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize