since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
