I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize