When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
