If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
