I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
