No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
