Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
soo... how was my night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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