I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
