I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Randomize
