I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
