I need to stop coming to work sober
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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