You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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