While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
