She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
