i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You made out with two different species that night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize