Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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