i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
