I just saw a hot homeless man
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
