I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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