I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
