I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
