Where did you get a picture of my penis
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
