We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
