My balls are so social today.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
