just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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