but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
