By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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