best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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