My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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