Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
