I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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