I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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