they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
