also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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