watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
