you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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