I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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