just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
