is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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