Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize