you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
