That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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