dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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