The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
