um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mom said you looked used
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
