Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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