U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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