WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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