You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
