new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I could make wine with my vomit
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
